Tolerance is grand, but now Croker has gone too far

It WAS the ad for Nivea Cream that triggered this rant. Nivea Cream is all well and good but the ad said Nivea For Men. So? Well the ad was in Croke Park. Yes, Croke Park.

I spotted a whole series of hoardings encouraging men to buy face paste. I know there are men who swear by creams but I am one of the old school. We banish fine lines with sandpaper and shave with broken glass.

Now, I was all in favour of opening up Croke Park to rugby and soccer but no one said anything about allowing men's cosmetics in. I mean Paddy Bawn Brosnan and Joe Keohane played on that field. Lar Foley trampled grass and man. Paddy McCormick the Iron Man of Rhode, hammered into forwards like a kango.

It was only very recently they brought a mirror into the Listowel Emmets clubhouse and if I had my way it would come down. I wouldn't care a damn how many years bad luck it brought.

Páidí Ó Sé was always deeply distrustful of any young lad who put what he called 'jelly' on his hair but then the nephews used a bit of hair oil which made it okay. Páidí himself never needed any make-up; he's naturally beautiful.

Although he advertises underpants, Donncha O'Callaghan is one of my favourite rugby players. He didn't play great for the first few months of the ad campaign but in fairness to The Big D, he didn't need a codpiece to fill the XL. Maybe the underpants were a bit too tight for him.

In my day it was unmanly to wear any sort of garment at all under the togs.

Indeed, there was a club mate of ours who only once wore underpants and that was when he was laid out in the coffin. The same man was admitted to St Catherine's Hospital in Tralee and when the nurse asked him if he had pyjamas he replied 'it's a hernia I'm here for'.

The French are the worst. Trevor Brennan told me confidentially that Freddie Michalak used to wax his legs, while one player even had a thing called a landing strip made out of his private aerodrome. Oh the pain of it.

I refuse to speak about soccer players. I can't begin to tell you how they annoy me. It wouldn't surprise me to see the ref stopping play to allow a stylist on to treat smudged rouge.

All this stuff was started by the soccer crowd when David Ginola starred in a shampoo ad and his form plummeted as a result. Another Newcastle icon Kevin Keegan was the public oxter of Brut. The underarm spray that would take paint off a wall back in the old days. While the cheap aftershave sent nymphomaniacs begging to be admitted to the enforced chastity of the convent cells of The Little Sisters of the Poor Mouth.

Ah but the cosmetics industry are trying to make a right bunch of botoxes out of us men. The latest is anti-wrinkle cream.

I'm not talking about Viagra in a jar but some sort of gunge that makes fine lines disappear like money from a Fianna Fail fund-raiser. It's a waste lads. Hurlers will tell you nothing attracts the ladies like double digit stitches.

Ah, I'm getting sick of myself and all the giving out. If it keeps on, I'll have to change my name by Deed Poll to Hook. Let's finish on a positive note.

I recently attended the De La Salle Palmerston lunch hosted by President Sean O'Neill. I was seated next to my hero Fr Aidan Troy who ran the bigots' gauntlet with the little kids on their brave way to Holy Family School in The Ardoyne. O'Neill has always adopted a hands across the border approach.

Another real man, Paddy O'Brien, is president of beloved Bective Rangers FC and last night he hosted the club dinner. Paddy presented me with a jersey and it meant so much. Thanks Paddy. Thanks Bective.

More heroes are involved in the Listowel pre-Cheltenham race night at 8.30next Monday in The Listowel Arms. David Casey, Charlie Swan, Tom Cooper, Michael Hourigan and Charles Byrnes are doing the gig for no more than a cup of tea. Top racing lensman Pat Healy is the chairman and the irrepressible Declan Sheehy, the best judge in the country, represents the sponsors, Browne Bookmakers. All proceeds to go to The Parents and Friends of the Mentally Handicapped here in Kerry.

Finally a tip for bags under the eyes; go to bed early. I was never in bed twice in the same day next day, but I've discovered the secret of eternal youth. The picture of Dorian Gray you see atop the column has been unchanged for eight years.